if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
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Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour