Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something