Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Me when I’m ovulating

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

Stop being racist to kettles.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”