If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
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Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Thanks to a fan for this one.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.