If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home