Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!

Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.