If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts