If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The French cow says MEUX…
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.