Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:

[5 mins later]

Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK