Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

realest tweet ever.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick