Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

😂🖐️

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”