Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Body by Oreos

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”