Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.