If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
me irl
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady