Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Remember during Covid, if you had family over for Christmas the police would show up and make them go home?

Does anybody know if this service is still available?

Thanks in advance.

Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!

Phone camera: lol is it?

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?

Me: come on man it‘s the weekend

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.