@sixthformpoet

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

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@TheBoydP

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

@ImFunnyMang

And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.

@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@murrman5

[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER

@AmoNickk

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@UnFitz

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.