If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.