I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.