If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
You Might Also Like
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf