If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I throw rocks from my glass horse.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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