If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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“i’m in your city”
uhhh have fun??
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Yep.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”