Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

(more comics:

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.