If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.