*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.