“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
12653.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I needed a laugh this morning.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in