“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
New Tinder profile.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Who says great literature is dead?
