Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC

Me: cool, what-

My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

A small tragedy.

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

We will use anything but the metric system

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?