If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL