@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

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@WheelTod

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

@shelldash

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

@stevemarriott

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

@LostCatDog

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

@squirrel74wkgn

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

@SardonicTart

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

@queenjoheen

I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders

@_Mo_lee_

Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..

@MensHumor

Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display