If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.