If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE