If you’re happy and you know it…
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
This meeting could have been a cake
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.