Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin

Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Camping tip: No.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.