If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
i wish i could marry a nap
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.