If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Made something I’m not proud of
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.