If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
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Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.
This is a bad sign
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
about to have the best blueberries of my life
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.