Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”