Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: