Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*

I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Its true…

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?