Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

🙂🙃🥹

Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.