Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed