Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty much! 😂👀

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

ㅤ

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.