if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
