If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
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Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
what?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.