Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

put ‘er there pardner!

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.