Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Weighing up my bread heating options

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”

-no you can’t

*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me