If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
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No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
bags with threatening auras
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
translated into Canadian
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
this came to me in a vision
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.