If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
when mom throws a party…
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder