If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!