If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
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I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”