Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.