If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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All generalizations are stupid.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Meow
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do