If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
What the hell is going on?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Practicing safe sax
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Monica just destroyed the internet
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵