Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall

Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s the sky.

Toddler: what’s sky mean?

Me: sky means sky.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: that’s grass.

Toddler: what’s grass mean?

Me: grass means grass.

Toddler: what’s that?

Me: tears.

Toddler: what’s tears mean?

Me: it means please just stop.

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.