Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Heroic Misunderstanding

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Secret Panel HERE 🤘

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.