Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

My dating profile:

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”