If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!