“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
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(crunch)
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saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.