Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”

Can’t. About to go please some beans

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Know your customer. Think like an idiot.