Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

harry potter: i’m depressed

dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it

harry: yeah

dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..