If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
when mom throws a party…
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT