@LoverOfComics94

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.

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@Squeeb_Slayer

Whenever I see a bored boyfriend following his girlfriend around while she picks out clothes to try on I whisper “I’d never do that to you”

@itzthelimit

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@drankturpentine

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@hipstermermaid

“500 Days of Summer” was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@GoodZiIIa

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

@TheClingyGF

If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.