If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”