If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
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And now we wait
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges