Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.