if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
What’s so funny?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
This has made my week.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
men, we mow at sunrise.