Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Some people are glistening beacons of nope.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

mom had nothing to worry about

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved