If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
tell em, edith-anne
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name