If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
We’ve all been there…
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.