Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you

CONTESTANT: thank you

ME, SWEATING:

TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

work smarter, not harder

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic: