Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

Him:When do you get off?

Me: Usually once you go to sleep

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.

ㅤ