Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom