If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
