If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
