If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
