70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
twitter is a journey
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
*mops up wine with cat*
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”