Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

😂

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.