Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*