If you’re in a Mexican prison, “Jesus loves you” might not be very comforting words…

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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself


I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.


If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.


[after blowing out all the candles on my cake]

him: Did you wish for world peace again?
me: haha of course.



Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or


People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.


Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone


a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid


I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.