Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.

God: at least you have a cool name.

Swordfish: so?

God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.

Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?

Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Never forget.

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

My neck, my back, my…

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!