If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
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Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.